Usually I just try to erase everything from my memory and that’s what I find comfort in. I have all these little “rituals” that help me to move on from something, only they really don’t because look where I always end up. So the question is, is it better to embrace a feeling for all it is, or to mask it and bury it? The intensity is definitely stronger if you embrace it, but truly moving on from something beats the hell out of a repressed emotion resurfacing when it is entirely unexpected.
I question everything in life, everything but my feelings – Something that should be questioned. I do not feel typical emotions often, so when I do they are powerful. When I care about something is the only time I can feel anything. Is this what I am holding onto? I think I have had this same debate with myself before. I don’t want to run away. I want to ride this out, but has it already reached its end? – Not for me.
I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to be fake and just push everything down and pretend to be happy when I’m not. My emotions only come naturally, they cannot be forced. I would be a horrible actor. It’s that damn light switch that has to be turned off, and I can’t do it myself – Believe me, I’ve tried. Something has to happen to just completely transform me. In the past it seems like its just one big boom at the end, but looking back it is definitely a progressive development of changing mindsets. Mindsets that can only be acquired through the experience I go through. I cannot learn from other people’s mistakes. I can’t take other people’s advice. I am always going to do what I want to do. I think that I ask for advice in hopes that something that someone says will turn that light switch off. I hope for some life changing realization that has a boom effect, but like I said it’s progressive. I have to remember this. I cannot force anything to happen. I have to just sit back and let the pieces fall as they may. I have to go with my feelings and not be ashamed of them.
I don’t want to play a game anymore. Not with this, and not with something real. But what if it’s not. What if I am the only way that feels this way? I am going crazy trapped inside myself. So many contradictions are circling around and around in my head, so many explanations to the contradictions. Am I rationalizing? I don’t want to assume. I assume too much. I just want to know. I want to KNOW your feelings, and not be left to fill in the blanks myself. Or in this case to create entire scenarios of what your feelings could be. It doesn’t make me feel better. I think of the worst and circle around to the best possible explanation. One that excuses you from all wrong doings. Am I making excuses for myself? For my own insecurities? But you don’t ease my feeling of insecurity. Its still there and magnified when I’m with you. Why do I long for that? Is it because it is a feeling, therefore something “real”? I really don’t know, but I do know that I don’t want to assume that you’re okay if you’re not. Then again, however, I don’t want to know that you are okay, because I will undoubtedly assume that it is because of drugs or some other temporary thing. That’s the only reason I am okay right now – “Distractions”. Weed. Friends. Comfort. Stepping stones that lead my way out to that giant field where I keep on running. Why can’t I keep in mind that other people don’t think so complexly? That just because I am feeling this way does not mean that anyone else is. Maybe it’s all about facing your inner demons. Maybe it’s about finally coming to terms with the things you run from and facing them head on, no strings attached. Maybe this has to happen naturally, which means that it is going to happen for different people at different times, right? It’s something that can’t be forced and I need to learn to accept that. I need to learn that people are going to be who they are. Human nature is one of a selfish nature, at least typically. People are going to be selfish, people are going to do things with only themselves in mind. I cannot take this personally. I can’t expect my feelings to be on someone else’s mind 24/7. How exhausting that must be for them. To think of the implications of their potential actions for themselves and others.
I take things personally. I am such a selfless person in a relationship. It takes so much for me to get to the point of wanting something so bad to surrender myself to it, that once I do I give everything. Maybe this is a problem, but it’s something I don’t think I can help. It’s me. All of these things are “me”. It’s the person that I have been for almost 22 years now. To be anything else would be being someone else. So am I to embrace myself for who I am and just continue being how I am? It takes a lot less effort to do that then to play a game. A game is a conscious effort. It is not something innate to me. I am just not that kind of person. I need to just accept myself, and accept others how they are as well. There is a balance between everything. There has to be.
My impulsivity is becoming a problem, errr I mean it has been a problem for as long as I remember. I am always just so conscious of everything I do, and do perceptive that once (another) switch gets turned on, I’m relentless. Well I need to keep in mind how others are. Some people aren’t like that. Some people need time. People handle things differently. I handle things by acting on impulse. By trying to converse and pull conversation out that may not be ready to come out. I impulsively take low blows and try to trigger something in you to make you realize what a mistake you are making. But I just look like a crazy person. I assume what you are thinking in response to my unanswered texts and respond accordingly when it might not even be what you are thinking. I guess I just think of not only past experiences, but also what would make me act in that way. BUT I have to remember that I cannot compare you to me. I am selfless, you are trying. You are going to make mistakes because it’s not something that can just be changed. How I wish I had more patience than I do. I have to have the answers now, so much so that I make the other person act impulsively too. I make you respond without thinking, or without wanting to think about it or deal with it. I need to stop trying to “play God”, or force things. They need to just happen naturally. I NEED TO BE PATIENT and not jump the gun if things don’t play out as I expected. And if they do play out as I expected, I need to not ASSUME that the same thing is going to happen again that happened before. Isn’t that what forgiveness is? I just want the past out of my head, but perhaps it’s a better means of guidance than I give it credit for. I just need to find a medium between that as well. My memories are just so powerful that they really interfere with how things could potentially be, and for that I am sorry. It is purely a defense mechanism, one in which needs to be severely altered because I end up destroying things more than I end up protecting myself. I tend to destroy everything and then I’m the one left picking up the pieces of myself that dispersed in the explosion because of my jumping the gun.
I found a quote today – “When you live in reaction, you give your power away. Then you get to experience what you gave your power to” – N. Smith. This quote is so powerful to me, and speaks wonders. I always regret my impulsivity. It is inevitable. There is a time for everything, and a time to talk about things, and that time is not always the same for two people and a compromise must be made. I guess I keep acting on the impulse and on my emotions because there is no compromise even set in motion. You just ignore me, leaving me to inevitably compromise myself instead of compromising something not so fragile. No wonder I have to pick up my own pieces. I do this to myself, I swear. If you weren’t there to help me self-destruct, I would surely do it in a different way. I don’t understand my fascination in inflicting psychological and emotional pain on myself. WHAT IS IT THAT HAS MADE ME THIS WAY? What could have possibly happened in my life to make me do this to myself? I feel like I have such a misconstrued perception of what it means to be cared about by a guy. My mom fucked me up that’s for sure. But that’s where I get my low blows from and my persistent attacks to prove a point or change someone’s perception of things. Well she surely changed mine. According to her “my dad cared about his car more than he cared about me”. Why would a mother say something so manipulative to her child? But then again why would I say the things that I know would push your buttons? Things that could possibly fuck your head up, but you don’t consciously realize and don’t impulsively act on. Whenever this impulsivity bred emotion overtakes me it completely overtakes me. I can’t think straight, I can’t control myself, I LOSE CONTROL. I say the things I say to get to you to get control over you and it always backlashes at me. You don’t react the way that is necessary in order for me to gain control, thus you gain control of me to the point that I can’t control myself and then I destroy myself because I feel like that is the only thing that I can control. I know that fixing myself is something that I have to do, and perhaps it is my control. Maybe my desire for self-destruction is connected in some way to my need for control. Maybe I like to see things fall apart because I know that it was something I did. That’s a pretty fucked up mindset if you ask me. Am I ever going to be happy? Not living like this. If I continue then my life is going to be a never-ending, unnecessary emotional rollercoaster. Sadness is one feeling that I don’t want to feel, yet it is often self-induced. Does this happen when I am void of other emotions? Does it happen in my desperation to feel? I don’t know this either, but it’s definitely worth paying attention to next time it happens.
Relationships are work, and if both people aren’t willing to put in just as much effort, then its not going to work. You put in so much effort and I just kept taking. You did everything to prove to me that you were willing to do anything, but how long can I expect you to keep up proving to me when I keep on questioning you and attacking you? I can’t expect you to keep trying. I mean really, why keep trying at something if you see no progress. I need to not be so stubborn and hardheaded. Care doesn’t need to be proven in the way that I think it needs to, it’s unnatural. You did everything you could, and stayed holding on longer than you have before, I need to give you credit for that. I recognize that. I do. I am just stupid and fucked up and tied down by the past that I can’t see what’s right in front of my face. You are back to being your old self again, but I can’t really blame you for that can I? That’s the only play you know that you can be “happy”, even if its drug induced. I know that you constantly having to prove yourself to me made things difficult and made you not happy. All you wanted was for me to be happy and I never showed you I was, I just kept taking. Am I turning this all around on myself? Am I dwelling on something that is over? What is meant to be will be. I have no doubt in my mind about that because things have always worked themselves out. So perhaps I should not just embrace the feeling until it lessens. Maybe it’s healthy to run away, because maybe what finds you is what is meant to be. Maybe feelings resurface because that is what is meant to happen. Maybe life is more simple than we think? Or than I think at least. I don’t know. I don’t know what the heck I’m doing. I don’t know why I am willing to give you another chance. Maybe I am just trying to give myself another chance, and to prove to myself that I can be different. Isn’t this selfish in itself? In a way I need you to help fix me. But I don’t think that I can fix myself on my own. Not these problems I’m facing. I don’t see any of them until I am feelings intense emotion, and I can only feel those kinds of emotions with you. I think this is why I hold on. I don’t think it is the comfort, I am open with anyone, and could feel comfortable with anyone. I don’t even feel comfortable with you all the time, or maybe I just feel discomfort when I’m not with you and the comfort is what I need. But you don’t make me any more comfortable than anyone else so it’s not the comfort, its not. It runs much deeper than simply comfort. I love you. And that being so nothing else matters, although I wish it did. We are two different people, that come from two different places, and have gone through different experiences, but isn’t that everyone? We have nothing in common. Nothing. Besides a few songs here and there that we actually both know all the words to. I enjoy more things than you. I find pleasure and happiness in the little things, and you don’t and I want to show you it. I want to show you life and what it means to be happy. I want you to see the good in things. Blahhh, I am just hopeless.