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Ashley

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Letting my feelings flow. [20 Dec 2010|09:24pm]
Usually I just try to erase everything from my memory and that’s what I find comfort in. I have all these little “rituals” that help me to move on from something, only they really don’t because look where I always end up. So the question is, is it better to embrace a feeling for all it is, or to mask it and bury it? The intensity is definitely stronger if you embrace it, but truly moving on from something beats the hell out of a repressed emotion resurfacing when it is entirely unexpected.
I question everything in life, everything but my feelings – Something that should be questioned. I do not feel typical emotions often, so when I do they are powerful. When I care about something is the only time I can feel anything. Is this what I am holding onto? I think I have had this same debate with myself before. I don’t want to run away. I want to ride this out, but has it already reached its end? – Not for me.
I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to be fake and just push everything down and pretend to be happy when I’m not. My emotions only come naturally, they cannot be forced. I would be a horrible actor. It’s that damn light switch that has to be turned off, and I can’t do it myself – Believe me, I’ve tried. Something has to happen to just completely transform me. In the past it seems like its just one big boom at the end, but looking back it is definitely a progressive development of changing mindsets. Mindsets that can only be acquired through the experience I go through. I cannot learn from other people’s mistakes. I can’t take other people’s advice. I am always going to do what I want to do. I think that I ask for advice in hopes that something that someone says will turn that light switch off. I hope for some life changing realization that has a boom effect, but like I said it’s progressive. I have to remember this. I cannot force anything to happen. I have to just sit back and let the pieces fall as they may. I have to go with my feelings and not be ashamed of them.
I don’t want to play a game anymore. Not with this, and not with something real. But what if it’s not. What if I am the only way that feels this way? I am going crazy trapped inside myself. So many contradictions are circling around and around in my head, so many explanations to the contradictions. Am I rationalizing? I don’t want to assume. I assume too much. I just want to know. I want to KNOW your feelings, and not be left to fill in the blanks myself. Or in this case to create entire scenarios of what your feelings could be. It doesn’t make me feel better. I think of the worst and circle around to the best possible explanation. One that excuses you from all wrong doings. Am I making excuses for myself? For my own insecurities? But you don’t ease my feeling of insecurity. Its still there and magnified when I’m with you. Why do I long for that? Is it because it is a feeling, therefore something “real”? I really don’t know, but I do know that I don’t want to assume that you’re okay if you’re not. Then again, however, I don’t want to know that you are okay, because I will undoubtedly assume that it is because of drugs or some other temporary thing. That’s the only reason I am okay right now – “Distractions”. Weed. Friends. Comfort. Stepping stones that lead my way out to that giant field where I keep on running. Why can’t I keep in mind that other people don’t think so complexly? That just because I am feeling this way does not mean that anyone else is. Maybe it’s all about facing your inner demons. Maybe it’s about finally coming to terms with the things you run from and facing them head on, no strings attached. Maybe this has to happen naturally, which means that it is going to happen for different people at different times, right? It’s something that can’t be forced and I need to learn to accept that. I need to learn that people are going to be who they are. Human nature is one of a selfish nature, at least typically. People are going to be selfish, people are going to do things with only themselves in mind. I cannot take this personally. I can’t expect my feelings to be on someone else’s mind 24/7. How exhausting that must be for them. To think of the implications of their potential actions for themselves and others.
I take things personally. I am such a selfless person in a relationship. It takes so much for me to get to the point of wanting something so bad to surrender myself to it, that once I do I give everything. Maybe this is a problem, but it’s something I don’t think I can help. It’s me. All of these things are “me”. It’s the person that I have been for almost 22 years now. To be anything else would be being someone else. So am I to embrace myself for who I am and just continue being how I am? It takes a lot less effort to do that then to play a game. A game is a conscious effort. It is not something innate to me. I am just not that kind of person. I need to just accept myself, and accept others how they are as well. There is a balance between everything. There has to be.
My impulsivity is becoming a problem, errr I mean it has been a problem for as long as I remember. I am always just so conscious of everything I do, and do perceptive that once (another) switch gets turned on, I’m relentless. Well I need to keep in mind how others are. Some people aren’t like that. Some people need time. People handle things differently. I handle things by acting on impulse. By trying to converse and pull conversation out that may not be ready to come out. I impulsively take low blows and try to trigger something in you to make you realize what a mistake you are making. But I just look like a crazy person. I assume what you are thinking in response to my unanswered texts and respond accordingly when it might not even be what you are thinking. I guess I just think of not only past experiences, but also what would make me act in that way. BUT I have to remember that I cannot compare you to me. I am selfless, you are trying. You are going to make mistakes because it’s not something that can just be changed. How I wish I had more patience than I do. I have to have the answers now, so much so that I make the other person act impulsively too. I make you respond without thinking, or without wanting to think about it or deal with it. I need to stop trying to “play God”, or force things. They need to just happen naturally. I NEED TO BE PATIENT and not jump the gun if things don’t play out as I expected. And if they do play out as I expected, I need to not ASSUME that the same thing is going to happen again that happened before. Isn’t that what forgiveness is? I just want the past out of my head, but perhaps it’s a better means of guidance than I give it credit for. I just need to find a medium between that as well. My memories are just so powerful that they really interfere with how things could potentially be, and for that I am sorry. It is purely a defense mechanism, one in which needs to be severely altered because I end up destroying things more than I end up protecting myself. I tend to destroy everything and then I’m the one left picking up the pieces of myself that dispersed in the explosion because of my jumping the gun.
I found a quote today – “When you live in reaction, you give your power away. Then you get to experience what you gave your power to” – N. Smith. This quote is so powerful to me, and speaks wonders. I always regret my impulsivity. It is inevitable. There is a time for everything, and a time to talk about things, and that time is not always the same for two people and a compromise must be made. I guess I keep acting on the impulse and on my emotions because there is no compromise even set in motion. You just ignore me, leaving me to inevitably compromise myself instead of compromising something not so fragile. No wonder I have to pick up my own pieces. I do this to myself, I swear. If you weren’t there to help me self-destruct, I would surely do it in a different way. I don’t understand my fascination in inflicting psychological and emotional pain on myself. WHAT IS IT THAT HAS MADE ME THIS WAY? What could have possibly happened in my life to make me do this to myself? I feel like I have such a misconstrued perception of what it means to be cared about by a guy. My mom fucked me up that’s for sure. But that’s where I get my low blows from and my persistent attacks to prove a point or change someone’s perception of things. Well she surely changed mine. According to her “my dad cared about his car more than he cared about me”. Why would a mother say something so manipulative to her child? But then again why would I say the things that I know would push your buttons? Things that could possibly fuck your head up, but you don’t consciously realize and don’t impulsively act on. Whenever this impulsivity bred emotion overtakes me it completely overtakes me. I can’t think straight, I can’t control myself, I LOSE CONTROL. I say the things I say to get to you to get control over you and it always backlashes at me. You don’t react the way that is necessary in order for me to gain control, thus you gain control of me to the point that I can’t control myself and then I destroy myself because I feel like that is the only thing that I can control. I know that fixing myself is something that I have to do, and perhaps it is my control. Maybe my desire for self-destruction is connected in some way to my need for control. Maybe I like to see things fall apart because I know that it was something I did. That’s a pretty fucked up mindset if you ask me. Am I ever going to be happy? Not living like this. If I continue then my life is going to be a never-ending, unnecessary emotional rollercoaster. Sadness is one feeling that I don’t want to feel, yet it is often self-induced. Does this happen when I am void of other emotions? Does it happen in my desperation to feel? I don’t know this either, but it’s definitely worth paying attention to next time it happens.
Relationships are work, and if both people aren’t willing to put in just as much effort, then its not going to work. You put in so much effort and I just kept taking. You did everything to prove to me that you were willing to do anything, but how long can I expect you to keep up proving to me when I keep on questioning you and attacking you? I can’t expect you to keep trying. I mean really, why keep trying at something if you see no progress. I need to not be so stubborn and hardheaded. Care doesn’t need to be proven in the way that I think it needs to, it’s unnatural. You did everything you could, and stayed holding on longer than you have before, I need to give you credit for that. I recognize that. I do. I am just stupid and fucked up and tied down by the past that I can’t see what’s right in front of my face. You are back to being your old self again, but I can’t really blame you for that can I? That’s the only play you know that you can be “happy”, even if its drug induced. I know that you constantly having to prove yourself to me made things difficult and made you not happy. All you wanted was for me to be happy and I never showed you I was, I just kept taking. Am I turning this all around on myself? Am I dwelling on something that is over? What is meant to be will be. I have no doubt in my mind about that because things have always worked themselves out. So perhaps I should not just embrace the feeling until it lessens. Maybe it’s healthy to run away, because maybe what finds you is what is meant to be. Maybe feelings resurface because that is what is meant to happen. Maybe life is more simple than we think? Or than I think at least. I don’t know. I don’t know what the heck I’m doing. I don’t know why I am willing to give you another chance. Maybe I am just trying to give myself another chance, and to prove to myself that I can be different. Isn’t this selfish in itself? In a way I need you to help fix me. But I don’t think that I can fix myself on my own. Not these problems I’m facing. I don’t see any of them until I am feelings intense emotion, and I can only feel those kinds of emotions with you. I think this is why I hold on. I don’t think it is the comfort, I am open with anyone, and could feel comfortable with anyone. I don’t even feel comfortable with you all the time, or maybe I just feel discomfort when I’m not with you and the comfort is what I need. But you don’t make me any more comfortable than anyone else so it’s not the comfort, its not. It runs much deeper than simply comfort. I love you. And that being so nothing else matters, although I wish it did. We are two different people, that come from two different places, and have gone through different experiences, but isn’t that everyone? We have nothing in common. Nothing. Besides a few songs here and there that we actually both know all the words to. I enjoy more things than you. I find pleasure and happiness in the little things, and you don’t and I want to show you it. I want to show you life and what it means to be happy. I want you to see the good in things. Blahhh, I am just hopeless.
Kiss Me Slowly

wow [30 Jul 2010|05:37am]
Wow. Wow. Wow. I just got belittled for no reason at all. At least not to my knowledge why. I could break you down in so many ways. I know every button. Every one. But for some reason I'm too good of a person to do that. One day i hope I finally learn to NEVER put my faith in other people. I don't think you have ever hurt me this badly. EVER. after everything I've done for you you treat me like a disposable piece of trash. Thank you. Thank you so much for reminding me that you are a self absorbed piece of shit that will never change. God, please let me finally learn and run with it for the better.
Kiss Me Slowly

[14 Jul 2010|06:03pm]
It's when I slow my pace of running that everything catches up to me. As long as I keep running it doesn't catch up. When I slow down the breakdowns catch up and I feel completely empty. When I speed up I outrun them but am unfulfilled. I don't know what I'm doing anymore, but I now know what I run from.
Kiss Me Slowly

Nostalgia [14 Jul 2010|02:55am]
So. Today I was looking through old pictures and I looked so genuinely happy. I miss all those people that made my life real. There was a light in my eyes that I haven't seen for a while now until tonight when I got home. I think I may have caught a glimpse of the now foreign sparkle in my eyes.

Today was good. Got a wakeup call compliments of Patrick Dawson which said "come on, get up only people who work the night shift sleep in later than this". heh. Mind you it was only 930am. Anyway, I got my lazy, tired butt outta bed and actually got a lot accomplished before I left to meet up with him at Krav Maga. I think that's what it was called. It is a self defense class and was really fun and I learned a lot. hopefully I'll never have to use anything I learned in real life, and if I do I hope I remember how to do everything. At one point Patrick made a comment that I am one of the most genuine people he knows. I'm glad someone realizes it! Anyway, I took his friend Rob to his car in tt then went home to get more accomplished, then did p90x abs. I really want to get motivated to get in amazing shape. I want to fix all my insecurities, although I'm sure others will appear after others are catered to. What a viscous cycle. Anyway then it was off to work and then to the Tree with Laura, Travis and Patrick. The message was good and mainly revolved around not giving up. A few things Jake said that really stood out to me were that "your experiences drive your expectations" and "when you help dig someone out of their troubles, you often make a burial ground for your own". The truth held in both of these statements is incredible, especially the latter of the two. I think that's why I love helping people so much because it helps not only distract me from my own troubles, but also I essentially bury them where their's were. A temporary fix. After Tree we all went to Applebees which was fun besides for the continuous rudeness that Jonathan displayed. Travis said something nice as well about me. He said "I'm one of the smartest people he knows. And not just booksmart but that I'm witty and quick and have an amazing personality". Both him and Patrick definitely made my day. Laura and I ended up dipping out earlier than they did but ended up talking in the idlewild parking lot until 130am. Boy did I miss her and our endless thought provoking heart to hearts. We talked about Derek mainly which stimulated many thoughts about progressing and moving forward instead of backward. needless to say we had an amazing conversation and I love her and miss her so much. I really need more genuine people in my life. I'm growing so tired of this 'sketchy' trend that seems to be going on lately. Perhaps the fakeness of so many people are the reason my eyes are dull.
Kiss Me Slowly

Why. [19 Jun 2010|03:14am]
So first you invade my dream last night and now you "accidentally" call me. For the first time since April 5th might I add. God I miss you. So much. But I hide it so well. Why. Why. WHY?! Why did you go to her? Why. That's all I want to know. I would have done anything, ANYTHING for you. Don't you understand that? I would like to think I meant a little more to you than nothing. Nostalgia has engulfed me once again.

Anberlin: Naive Orleans. How appropriate. My eyes just don't seem to be as bright anymore.

Someday.
<3
Kiss Me Slowly

Reflection found in lyrics [18 Jun 2010|07:55pm]
[ mood | complacent ]

I am fairly agile
I can bend and not break
Or I can break and take it with a smile
And I am so resilient
I recover quickly
I'll convince you soon that I am fine

Kiss Me Slowly

Update. [28 Dec 2008|01:07pm]
I haven't really "updated" about life in a while, so I figured I'd do so. My last real entry update said that Riley and I were over for good. Well, it wasn't true. Haha, old habits die hard, and it died pretty hard the last time. After school ended we started talking again sometime in the Summer. July I think. Everything was going well, then the inevitable happened again, as it always seemed to do. The cycle continued and our relationship went to ashes once again. Basically he was telling me one thing and other people another thing. Sketchy and two-faced and not my cup of tea. We ended up being in two classes together the first semester of our second year. I finally lightened up again and decided to try to be his friend. Everything was fine, but the familiarity of each other engulfed us once again. We were civil, but at the same time we were both falling back into the all too familiar cycle again. We hung out one night after class, and were acting like everything was back to the way it used to be. Not even a week later he got with his roommate, a girl, who I had been skeptical of for the last year of our relationship. Boy did I feel stupid. I didn't talk to him for over a month, ignoring all forms of contact he was throwing my way and finally I answered him one night a couple weeks ago. Of course he realizes what a mistake he made and wants me back, blahblahblah, but I don't know. For the first time in my life I can honestly and truely say that I strictly see him as a friend now. I never thought that day would come let alone one could ever be friends with someone who they once felt strongly about. Of course its when he's ready to bow down at my feet and do anything for me. Life is so confusing, I tell ya. The one thing I always wanted I don't want anymore. Oh well. I've learned a lot from the whole situation and am definitely a lot stronger because of it. At least I got my best friend back. I guess what they say is right - be careful what you wish for because it might just come true. Anyway. Semester 3 has been completed at USF. All A's and a B in Chem. Gross. I work at a tanning place now, and Publix on the side. Um, everything else is still pretty much the same though. Same core group of friends, with some new additions here and there and yeah. Lately my life has been drama filled, which is not my style if you will, so it's time to remove myself from the situation. I don't understand why people can't just be real instead of telling everyone a different story. Isn't it easier to keep track of truths than lies? But then again I guess when one does it enough it becomes a pretty natural thing. Bwahah I don't know anymore, all I know is its not gonna get me down! Vague vague vague. But I'm not one to drop names or point fingers, but yeahhhhhhhh. Lame.
Kiss Me Slowly

Too deep for LJ. Maybe I'll be a writer. [18 Aug 2008|05:02pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

It happened... Again. We were having a perfectly good day, or so I thought. One can never really be too sure for his ability to conceal emotion is unrealistic. Put another way then, I was having a good day and will just assume for him the same. Anyway, as the fun was winding down an all too familiar train wreck occurred. An evil demon crept in making its presence known at all levels while completely consuming every positive aspect that the day had held just seconds before. It’s amazing the damage done by both the mention of and obsession with drugs. Addiction is an evil, evil thing, and whether it truly exists or not, I personally will never know. There are not too many things I know for certain, but one thing I do know is that both its potential and actual destruction is enduring.

It seems to me that if one really wanted to stop something, if they really and truly cared, then they would - Wouldn’t they? ‘Addiction’ isn’t THAT powerful is it? I guess never having battled this firsthand I can never know for certain, but I have seen its impact on mine and many other people’s lives. I guess I am just a firm believer in the saying “Where there’s a will there’s a way” – Mind over matter, right? Wrong. Or so it may seem. This is what has been proven to me over and over again. On both second and third hand levels. I wish there was a way I could do something. Why must I always desire to carry another’s burdens as if I don’t already have enough weight on my shoulders as it is? I would give absolutely anything to help him - To ultimately free him from the deadly grasp of the demon. But I can’t. And this is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to grasp - To see somebody become that in which they hate.  The overall process is quite possibly the most absurd yet understandable thing I have ever had to witness. Absurd in the fact that one has utilized so much time and energy hating something so much and the ultimately become it, and understandable in the fact that that is all they have ever known.

From the outside looking in it is really hard to view with a closed mouth. It all feels like a bad dream, you know the one where you open your mouth to scream and nothing comes out? Or it does and nobody takes notice or even hears you to begin with. I understand that everyone has to fight their own battles themselves, it’s just hard to sit back and let it all take place. The pieces will fall how they are meant to fall and whether or not they fall in a way that forces the cycle to continue, so be it. There is nothing that I or anyone else can do to stop it; only he who is battling the demon to begin with can do anything. I have spent far too long catching the suspended pieces as they fell and placing them the way I think they should be, but who am I to determine such a thing? To attempt in taking someone else’s destiny and molding it with my own two hands defies every law of existence. I wish there was a middle ground. Somewhere where I could be there to see it through, but at the same time not be emotionally involved.  The only thing that I can think to do is to do everything I can to not feed the addiction. Why be the mirror to another’s shunned actions? Joining in will only do the opposite of what’s intended.

I did not feed the addiction today. He was consumed with obsession and I did not back down. I held my ground against weapons of guilt, manipulation, and deceit, which were being fired one after the other at me. Why would I feed the fire that I want so badly to be extinguished? Giving in is always the easiest of options and is the road most often taken. Giving in is a sign of weakness, and although I know I am weak I will never be weak in this sense. There are certain things in life that should be fought with full force and I truly believe that this is one of those things.

Kiss Me Slowly

Its so beautiful to me, but it's nothing I need [26 Apr 2008|10:35pm]
[ mood | tired ]

 Wow. So its been almost three years since I've written in this thing. I wish I would have never stopped. My life now feels like it has a huge gap missing. Not a good feeling. Anyway, a lot has gone on in these past three years. I'm grown up, moved on, moved out, and definitley had my share of ups and downs along the way. I'm guessing the "mystery boy" in my last entry was Jay. That consisted of two weeks of talking, two days of dating, and two months of still "hooking up". Story of my life. After him was this guy Scott which didn't last longer than a couple of months and then Kris who lasted three months. During this time I started working at Publix and I am still there to this day! Two and a half years of monotony. Ha. I just want the stock.. Come on 5 years. Around the same time I started working at Publix I met the love of my life - Riley Murphy. Aww. We were best friends for about a year and then BOOM. He held my hand and we wrote history. =) I lost my virginity to him =O. I was almost 18. Pretty proud of myself if I do say so myself. Our relationship consisted of more ups and downs then most people experience in a lifetime. Waaaaay too much drama for being so young and in love. I'd have to say, however, that I would not change an up for a down any day. What's meant to be will be and right now it is what it is. We broke up many times throughout our relationship, but always ended up back together. We're going on about a month of being separated right now, and I think it might be for good this time, but that's okay. I've always been pretty skeptical on the whole idea of love and its longevity, but I do know that I loved him. I would have done anything for that kid, but sometimes anything is not enough. I guess we'll just see what happens there. For the time being I'm just having fun being single! Not much has changed other than that. I'm in college now - USF and I graduated highschool 11th in my class. As of now I want to be a pharmacist, but that is always suseptible to change. As is everything. My group of friends has almost completely changed from three years ago, but I guess that's life. People drift apart. My true friends have stayed true and I've met a lot of new great ones along the way. I moved out the beginning of the fall semester of college. My mom and I, as always, were not getting along at all. I lived with Riley for about a month prior to that and worked at Aladdin's Hookah Lounge in addition to Publix. I was working 12 hours days at publix followed by a 9 to 2am shift at Aladdin's. I was practically killing myself and I ended up getting really sick. Riley along with the rest of my friends were there for me through it all and helped me pull through. My mom and I get along a little better now and I am definitly not as stressed anymore. The rest of my life is pretty much a blur which is why I regret not keeping up with this. I've stopped going to church, which I'm not very proud of, but one day I will return. Through it all I haven't stopped believing though which is definitly essential. My first year of college is coming to an end this week with only one final. I'm stressing but I will endure. Over the years I've definitly learned a lot, but pretty much I have remained the same. I will write more later.. Alex is here!

2 Kisses|Kiss Me Slowly

La la la la .. [21 May 2005|03:51pm]
[ mood | awake ]

So, I haven't updated in a really really really long time. So I figured it was time to do so. Let's see what's been up. I've been really involved in church, I really enjoy it. I started coaching a 1st-2nd grade softball team which sadly ended today. I'll have a party for them though so that'll be fun. I really had a lot of fun coaching, kids have such innocence. The boys, eh.. I'm just kinda sitting back for the most part. A lot has happened with them in the past few months, but nothing ever ended up working out. BUT, I did meet a great guy, we'll just see how that ends up.. I was grounded for a month for riding in my ex-boyfriend's car.. Yeahhh.. That was a pretty boring time of my life. At that time I was doing bible study though. Dance has ended, the recital was last weekend, and Summer's almost here!! I'll be driving (hopefully) and all will be good. I've been doing a lot of stuff with friends and yeah. Also volunteering at the Lutz fields for service hours. Umm.. My great grandma died, she was 103 almost.. So my mom and I went up to Indiana for the funeral. We got back this morning at 3AM. Jeez. Well, Somee's supposed to come over today so we can study for exams.. JOY. Bye <3

Kiss Me Slowly

the quiet things that no one ever know.. [12 Feb 2005|05:20pm]
[ mood | devious ]

Saturday night was the Tsunami Relief show. It was AWESOME. There was good music and cute boys, what more could you ask for? Sunday night was Billy's party, that was cool, hung out with Ashley mosta the time. It was fun =] I ate A LOT. This week nothing really happened.. Tuesday was dance, we started our dance for the recital. Uhh, Wednesday was church, no one was really there but it was a really good lesson and I enjoyed it =] Yesterday I went to the Gaither Talent show and sat with Katie and a bunch of other people. I saw lots of people I haven't seen in forever. And I saw KATY! I ♥ her. I liked the drumline the best. My kid is going to do that.. I hope. Haha, I love it. David, Joey, Aaron, and Matt's thing was hilarious!! Oh my gosh. I came home to my baby Laura. She was full of energy and I wasn't. Oh well, tonight I will be. ;] We slept in a twin size bed, that was fun. We cleaned today to NSYNC and yeah, that was fun. Got the job done. Learned the Cha cha slide, Haha.. Now we won't be retarded doing it. Ramil, Ashley and Ryan came over today. We finally got "stuff done" but went through a lot of pain in the mean time. Ryan is an abuser. lol. Umm.. Tonight is a party, I'll tell more about it later. And tomorrow is church. =] <3

4 Kisses|Kiss Me Slowly

Have another drink and drive yourself home.. [04 Feb 2005|09:58pm]
[ mood | energetic ]

So. Wow, I haven't updated in a long time. Last weekend I didn't really do anything besides having Casey and Lauren over to study and of course church. Sunday night at church I made a big mistake, but it will go unspoken; no one seems to care anyway. Nick, Mikey, James, and Aaron stopped by too. That was cool. Tuesday Casey and I stayed to watch Lacrosse, but didn't really get to see anything. Wednesday was church and Steve came with me -- Cool Kid :] And Thursday Casey and I stayed after for Lacrosse and went the the Bean's house to watch videos on Lacrosse. I really like it and I hope I can play =] Finger's crossed. Tonight was the Talent Show at Freedom. SooO much fun. Bullet Blue Sky blew everyone away, well at least me. lol. They were AWESOME. There was a lot of other good talent, everyone was, it was a tough decision. But it was so much fun. I went with Casey and Allie and then Katie sat with us, awesome girl right there!! =] Tomorrow is the Tsunami Relief Show, can't wait, and Sunday is the SuperBowl Party at Billy's. There's a quick wrap-up and I'm out. Peace♥

14 Kisses|Kiss Me Slowly

Girl's just wanna have fuh-un. [23 Jan 2005|01:23pm]
[ mood | grateful ]

So last night I went to the movies/mall with Laura and Casey =] Lots of good times, and embarrassing ones with me spilling my drink in the middle of the food court =[ Here's some pics..

Girl's night outCollapse )
4 Kisses|Kiss Me Slowly

Mirror, mirror; have a got it? [22 Jan 2005|11:06am]
[ mood | tired ]

Hey everyone. It's been a long time since I've updated.. Sunday I got payed a special visit by someone =] That was nice. Uhh, MOnday Laura and I went to the mall, I only spent 40$ GO ME. Tuesday was dance, I'm STILL sore, it hurts so bad to laugh. Wednesday was church. I started crying at church because of the sermon and KC.It really got to me and basically what Kelly said was the we don't realize all that God's given us and that really got to me because I am so fortunate and I don't thank him enough. KC was really upset about Matt and I got upset seeing him upset like that. I've never seen him like that and it was really hard. Ashley told me that the reason I got upset was because I care for him and I take his feelings as my own. She said that when me and him started going out I was happy, she was happy, when we broke up, I was sad, she was sad. After church it was the first time I really talked to him in a long time, probably since a couple days after we broke up. That was really nice and I was happy. It took a big burden off me and did more good than bad, sure I miss it, but I'm glad we're still friends. The way he was talking to me made me want it all back, but I know that I'd just be setting myself up for a fall again and I'm okay with that. Jack texted at like 11:30 saying "the kid had died". I started shaking uncontrollably, my heart dropped and was beating rapidly. I called over to KC's house, but he was sleeping. I talked to his mom for like 6 minutes about it. I really hope that he's doing okay. Thursday my mom printed me out some articles about Matt and I just started crying when I read them. What made me mad is a comment someone had and it was really rude. I didn't know him so ya'll probably think I'm crazy, but I was just thinking about all those that did. I ran into Matt Campbell walking to my class and I just went in his arms and cried. =[ Friday I got back my World History test, 105% baby!! And my Algebra II quiz I got a 110% on. =] I was happy. Umm, I went over to Lindsay's house after school and then we went to the Cheerleading competition, Freedom did horrible, but it was still fun. Bloomingdale was awesome and didn't even drop a stunt, unbelievable. They were the only team who didn't. Afterwards, we went to Ruby Tuesday's and split a dessert thing. Then we went to blockbuster, got Wicker Park and then went back to her house. Watched Wicker Park and I fell asleep =[ That was a confusing movie anyway. I don't even remember going to Lindsay's bed, I think she carried me or something. This morning we had to wake up at 9:30 because she had to go babysit and now I'm here. Tonight I should be doing something with Casey, Bryce, and Alex; probably movie or somethin'. That should be fun =] *

1 Kiss|Kiss Me Slowly

Baby, you're the wrong that feels so right. [15 Jan 2005|09:41pm]
[ mood | groggy ]

Soo.. A lot has been going on lately. I'm pretty stressed about some things, but I know that they will all work themselves out eventually. They always do =] Anyway, Richard and I are getting somewhat better, I don't know his say on all this so I'm not sure if we are "cool" or not. Different perceptions, ya know. Oh well, only time will tell. I called Mikey up the other night, me and him are kinda good I guess again, at least I know we're still friends. Alex is such a great friend, =] I ♥ him. Um.. Church was on Wednesday, it was good to see all those people again. Matt was there too =] He's gunna start coming and that makes me happy. *SOMEONE* is coming to church with me next Wednesday!! Yay!! So today's my birthday. I didn't do anything, I'll have a big party in a couple weeks. I gotta get it all planned. It was just another day, it will be good when I can actually drive, then it will hit me that I'm 16. Well, I'm gunna go. Happy birthday to me ♥

8 Kisses|Kiss Me Slowly

I always stay when I should leave.. [08 Jan 2005|10:20am]
[ mood | bored ]

So much for my happy, positive mood. PMS is mean. =[


I'm at my dad's house now. Pat was supposed to spend the night, but he doesn't like my idea of a sleepover. Aaron's stupid, and Nick shoots girls. Alex is probably staying at Freedom and that makes me happy =] I'm gunna tutor him!! =] This is so exciting. Yayay. And Abby is my editor. Um, yeah. Anyway, school was alright this week. I'm staying on top of things which is good. Except for Chemistry. I slept on the first day and now I'm lost so I just sleep everyday now. There's no way I'm going to catch up right now. Wednesday was church. I sat with Macy and Matt was there!! I love church =] Next Saturday is my birthday. I'll be 16. Yay, finally!! Today I celebrate Christmas and my brithday with my dad's family. $$$ Cha-ching. Mmhmm. I have Philosophy now which is cool. There's a lot of cool people in there. It seems like it will be a fun class, very opinionated. Well that's about it. ♥

1 Kiss|Kiss Me Slowly

Cuz this is what you're getting.. [02 Jan 2005|09:46pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

At least whichever way this works out,
it will be the way it's supposed to be.

And with that I'm through

2 Kisses|Kiss Me Slowly

I hope you're choking.. [02 Jan 2005|04:44pm]
[ mood | numb ]

Soo last night I had a pretty rough night. I just lost it. I guess it needed to come out. Not to mention, that time of the month is nearing, so I was extra sensative. Go figure. I was just thinking back to all the mistakes I've made and wondering if I've really ever learned from them. I know that everything happens for a reason and that in every experience there's always a lesson to be learned, but it seems as though I keep making the same mistakes over and over again. I need to stop dwelling on how things could have been and learn to accept what is. There's nothing that I can do about the past but apply my obtained knowledge to both the future and present. Ehh.. </3

Kiss Me Slowly

Hope this is what you wanted [02 Jan 2005|01:44pm]
[ mood | flirty ]

This is going to be my verse to live by this year.

"Do not boast about tomorrow, For you do
not know what a day may bring forth."
-- Proverbs 27:1


Here are a few New Years Resolutions of mine.

--*Start running again
-*Eat healthy
--*Not overreact about little things
-*Enough with the boys
--*Straight A's
-*Become organized
--*More positive

`more coming soon..
Kiss Me Slowly

God's arms are the perfect place to run.. [01 Jan 2005|08:31pm]
[ mood | tired ]


Soo. Yesterday was New Year's. I went over to Kaitlyn's house. There was sooo many people there. I got there before everyone, mwahaha. Me, Ash, and Kaitlyn just goofed around, visited the horsies and yeah. Then everyone started showing up and we all had a blast. I told my story 4 times, looking for help. Jack, Ryan, Ash, and Kaitlyn. Haha. Kaitlyn heard it 3 of the 4 times. When the ball dropped we were lonely =[ Everyone was all kissing, siiigh. Oh well. Haha. WHEN THE BALL DROPS!! Lol, Casey!! Then we got drunk ;] and watched Dodgeball. Some people left but most stayed the night. We went up to bed around 3 and danced and sang and took pictures and talked and played "TRUTH OR DARE" AND "I NEVER" but that was boring with three people lol. The boys were outside the door playing nintendo all night. Finally we got to bed around 7AM or atleast I did, lol. Ashley stayed up talking to Jack. I got up around 11, they left me sleeping. We ate and yeah, I was out of it. My mom came and got me, I went home took a nap, Mrs Beverly and family came over and I got 70$ for my birthday and Christmas. Yay. Haha. Well that's about it. Here's some pictures, I'll have more later because my camera sucks and went dead so Ashley and Kaitlyn have most of them. Laterrr ♥
New Year's!Collapse )
9 Kisses|Kiss Me Slowly

Like Sleeping Beauty.. [30 Dec 2004|01:43pm]
[ mood | okay ]

Monday went to Citrus with Laura. Saw Joey, Lauren and Chelsea. Good to see them. I got a jacket, two shirts and some "things". Played airhockey at night and um yeah. Tuesday I hung around and then went to the movies at night. Got there, met up with Ashleigh and thank goodness because none of the other people showed. Hah. She gave me a ride home and all was good. Wednesday I went to Laura's grandparents house and saw all her family. I love being with a family, like all together. It's something that I don't have the opportunity to do. =\ Then I was going to go to church with Alex, Mikey, and Jarrod but they missed their ride and I went up there and yeah.. No one there. I was kinda upset about that, well my mom getting mad at me part. But then they surprised me and Mikey and Alex came over for a little bit. It was really awkward, but oh well. I was happy. I don't know what's going on there, but I guess we'll see eventually. Today I don't know what I'm doing. So gimme a call if you want to do something. ♥

3 Kisses|Kiss Me Slowly

was grace that taught my heart to feel [27 Dec 2004|02:53pm]
[ mood | groggy ]

The fun we had last nightCollapse )

8 Kisses|Kiss Me Slowly

Grace like rain [26 Dec 2004|04:53pm]
[ mood | accomplished ]

I lost 5 pounds =]

6 Kisses|Kiss Me Slowly

Let the romance bleed away.. [25 Dec 2004|10:10pm]
[ mood | joyful! ]

Um. So the other day I went over to Casey's house. We relived the old days and hid in her closet so I would maybe be able to spend the night. We used to take tape recorders in there and yeah. Closets were fun. We hardly fit now. Haha. It ALMOST worked ;] Jon pushed the mattress up and locked us in. Her and Matt are good again so I'm glad! =] Casey, call me with the details!!

So today was Christmas, no kidding. AND Abby's birthday.. HAPPY BIRTHDAY ABBY RANDALL III! Hehe. Last night my Uncle Ed came over. We hung with him, played pool, and had a good time. Laura and Tyler FINALLY came, and I was soooo happy to see herrrr!! Hehe. We exchanged a few presents and she got me this pretty shirt and belt, but the belt doesn't fit because I'm too fat. LOL. Just kidding. But it really doesn't fit so I have to get a new one =[ Tyler got me this cool looking purse. Me and him are good again and I'm glad. It was too long of us not talking =D Laura and I watched Gothika last night. Good Christmas movie, I know. Hah. It was good.. Pretty scary, well jumpy. Me and her were holding onto each other. We went to the bathroom together TWICE. lol. We're sillyyyyy. We finally went to bed around 4AM after almost scaring ourselves to death. I finally drifted of to sleep to her talking.. So she might have to repeat everything she said to me past 4 o'clock. Today Grandpa came! He was good this time and I enjoyed his stories about the pickle factory. We opened the rest of our presents and we all got an AIRHOCKEYTABLE!! Who wants to come over and play?! Tonight I talked to Mikey on the phone for [edit] THREE and a half hours! Very sweet guy, definitely makes me smile. Yeah so I had a good past few days. Merry Christmas everyone! And Happy Birthday Abby! I love you all!

7 Kisses|Kiss Me Slowly

Tell me you love me.. [23 Dec 2004|06:04pm]
[ mood | working ]

Monday-WednesdayCollapse )

9 Kisses|Kiss Me Slowly

I don't want another pretty face.. [23 Dec 2004|03:27pm]
[ mood | pleased ]

So Tuesday night I went to Lindsay picked me up. We went to Sam's club and ate all the samples.. TWICE. Lol. Poppers= yuck/hott guy/lumberjack/lumberjack's son/free refills/you gunna buy all that after sprayin' it? Good times good times. Then we went back to her house and then rollerbladed to blockbuster to get Princess Diaries 2. Saw Ms. Palma there yelling "DULCINEA!" Oh jeez. Got the movie and journeyed back to her house. Surdovel jumped outta his car, directed traffic, then hugged. It was good to see him. Got back to her house. Ate Spagetti and then watched Princess Diaries 2. Good movie I thought. Not as good as the first though. Went to bed but didn't go to bed till after 3. "Sleep tight --------" Lol -- [gotta censor it for the little ones] Woke up around 11, Lins made her famous chocolate chip pancakes, got ready and then went to Brandon mall. Shopped around, she got my Christmas present and I got part of hers. Went back home and got ready and then went out to dinner with Vonny at Tito's place. [Pizza Supreme] Went home around 9:30. Fun times at Lindsay's. How I love her. ♥

EDIT:
<.added.>Oh and Monday night I went to Jason's show. Hung out with Kellen and bigger Lokuta. Saw my husband there. And yeahhh. Pictures later of my week so far.<./added.>

Kiss Me Slowly

No one can hurt you now.. [20 Dec 2004|03:54pm]
[ mood | weak ]

It's so hard to choke back the tears and be strong when you just want to let it all out..
4 Kisses|Kiss Me Slowly

So sleep child.. [19 Dec 2004|09:26pm]
[ mood | cold ]

Hmm.. Let's see. The last week hasn't been very exciting. Exams = boring. I got a B on Chemistry Honors, an A on Spanish 2 and a B on World History Honors. Good for me =] I don't think I did too good on Algebra 2 H and English 2 H, which is weird because Math is usually my strongest subject. But whatever. Things change I suppose. Went shopping with Laura and her dad yesterday. That was good. I got my mommy's Christmas present ♥ Wednesday was the Christmas Presentation at Idlewild which was AWESOMELY done! And Thursday was Christmas to Remember which was very moving. It felt good to give. Today I went to Sunday School, Late Service, and Evening Service. All was good. Chloe and I plan to go Boy Shopping in the near future because! We need boys. Today Laura, Tyler, Chad and Bobert went to Uncle Donny's to goof around. Laura pushed me on the swing and I did the same. We jumped on the trampoline and had a wonderful time. I want plans for this week! SoO.. Tell me if you want to do something. =] Tomorrow night I'm probably going to Jason's show. At least I hope I am <3

1 Kiss|Kiss Me Slowly

Bury all the differences between us [17 Dec 2004|09:46pm]
[ mood | bored ]

Click on "Homecoming Pics" to see, well, homecoming pics!-->Homecoming PicsCollapse )
13 Kisses|Kiss Me Slowly

beautiful ♥ [12 Dec 2004|09:04pm]
[ mood | drowsy ]

Yesterday I had the worst headache. I took a two hour nap and woke up and it was gone. I did more for World History and then watched "Saved". Megan brought it over. =] Headache came back. NO FUN. I went to bed and woke up this morning for church. Went and had a good time. Walked to Big Church with Macy and he let me wear his jacket. What a gent. <3 Then I went home and went to the two librarys looking for a book. Came home and worked on my paper for a loong long time and didn't do it right. Headache's been back. Oh joy. Going to bed now.. Good night

Kiss Me Slowly

so I will just let go [11 Dec 2004|01:52pm]
[ mood | stressed ]

Haven't updated in a looong time, so here it goes.

Last Friday, Casey came over ♥ We talked, ate and watched "Elf". =] Good movie. Saturday my Aunt and Uncle from Indiana came over! I haven't seen my uncle in forever and I was so happy to see him =] We went out grocery shopping and out to eat. It was a nice, relaxed day <3 Sunday I went to sunday school and big church. That was good as always. Afterwards, Aunt Julie, my mom and I went to the mall. I got my birthday and Christmas presents from Aunt Julie. Lots of clothesss!! Oh how I love clothes! Sunday night at church, I did something stupid that I regret, but let's not get into that. I'm over it, I'm over HIM. Monday was school and then they came over again later that night. Tuesday was dance. Wednesday, no church just hung out around the house doing exam reveiws. Siiigh. Thursday my mom picked me up from school in 5th period and I went to the beach because my aunt and uncle were there. That was soooo much fun! The beach in December.. That's Florida for ya. Go figure. lol. I got attacked by seagulls which was scary. haha. Then we went out to eat and fed a buncha catfish and saw the food chain go into effect with the birds and fish. Yesterday they came over again. It was their last day in Florida. Boy am I going to miss them! I can't wait to see them again ♥ Today I have to write a paper for English and study for exams and stuff. Tomorrow's church and Jack has a "surprise" for me, so I HAVE to go. Haha. I'm so stressed about exams, I have the worst headache. I can't wait till they're over.

2 Kisses|Kiss Me Slowly

Why do we laugh when we want to cry.. [04 Dec 2004|09:00pm]
[ mood | lonely ]

I feel so lonely..</3

6 Kisses|Kiss Me Slowly

I'm against myself again.. [27 Nov 2004|01:22pm]
[ mood | confused ]

Wow.. Some people just amaze me. It's unbelievable.

Didn't end up doing anything Wednesday. Jim couldn't come. Oh well.
Thursday I ventured on the long journey to Naples and oh lemme tell you it was a long one. We had to wake up at 6AM, then stopped to get McDonalds and then I went to sleep and woke up when we got there. Good stuff. Got to my uncle's house then me and my brother went with him to pick up the food. He let me drive and I actually did pretty good. =] Watched this movie of when my mom was a little girl. Me and her were a lot alike. We hung out there for a while then my dad picked me up to go to my grandma's house. I got there and I got to see all my cool family =] I had SO much fun that day. I love my dad's side. They're sooo much fun! I was laughing the whole time. ♥ I didn't want to leave =[
The next morning we went back over there to say goodbye. I hope to see them all again really soon! Then me and Michele went shopping =] Got some cute winter stuff. Then we went home and had pizza and watched Van Helsing. <-[Casey and Hopey ♥]
Today I don't know what I'm doing. I have TONS of homework that I haven't done yet so maybe I should start that. But I'm too lazy. Hopefully I can go driving. =]=] Two more months till I'm 16!
3 Kisses|Kiss Me Slowly

And I lift my hands and pray, to be only yours I pray.. [24 Nov 2004|08:34pm]
[ mood | lonely ]

A Walk to Remember is on.

Time to cry.


5 Kisses|Kiss Me Slowly

I break in two over you.. [24 Nov 2004|04:52pm]
[ mood | </3 ]

I need closure
Kiss Me Slowly

Live your life for those you love [24 Nov 2004|02:37pm]
[ mood | hungry ]

This week was pretty good. Two days of school = AWESOME. Lauren and I BOTH got 105% on our World History test that we studied for together. It raised my grade about 4 points and now I have a 76.55% in there. =] I think the highest I'll get is a B and that's fine with me! Last night I went to Joey's surprise party. That was fun. I started out Bowling 00-00 and then I ended up getting strikes and spares! Hehe. Me and Chels rode motorcyles and played air hockey and well.. Just played in the arcade. Mandy and Chloe finally came there later on. We had sex, smoked some weed, downed a few beers, you know, the usual. Nah we just chilled and talked and yeah. I even got to share another seat with Chloe. SCORE. Oh yes. Haha. Well. Jim is supposed to come over later on today, hopefully that works out. =] All I've been doing is cleaning today, I need some excitement in my life. ♥
1 Kiss|Kiss Me Slowly

Never meant to waste your time [21 Nov 2004|05:53pm]
[ mood | happy ]

Well.
Last night I dyed my hair.
It's too red..
I hope it will fade.
Maybe I just have to get used to it.
Me and Laura took pictures.
We lost our touch.
=[

Gator's won!
[like everyone didn't know]
Oh yes.

Church this morning.
Good discussion.
Kinda off topic, but oh well.
It was still good.
Went to late service with Chelsea, Chloe and Mandy.
That was fun.
Mandy only cares about herself.
She wants all the attention to be on her.
Gosh Mandy, you're such a horrible person.
NOT!
They don't know what they're saying.
Kids these days.
I tell ya.
This kid's party is Tuesday.
I'm in charge of bringing the Keg.
Everyone wants MillerLite.
Everyone meaning Chloe.
Haha.
Just Kidding.
Lauren came over around 1.
Alex bought her ice cream last night!!
HOW SWEET!!
I want a boy =[
One that will bring me ice cream.
lol.
We studied.
Or tried to.
Lauren and her ADD.
I'm no better.
Haha.

I have this..
And this..
I don't have this..

I drove here.
I know.
How do you know?
Because you told me.
Really?
Yeah.

I had so much fun today.
I laughed a lot
Just being stupid..
Yeaaaah.
Lauren's fun =]

That's about it!

Kiss Me Slowly

are you breaking [20 Nov 2004|05:46pm]
[ mood | okay ]

picturesCollapse )

6 Kisses|Kiss Me Slowly

Let you turn me inside out... [19 Nov 2004|09:44pm]
[ mood | numb ]

Soo.. I went to Fusion. Alexa didn't come till it was over. It was very awkward.. For all of us. I didn't talk. I couldn't. Not without crying. I cried the second she left. It hurts just to see her.. To see what she's become and how she denies it all. How she just rides it off like it's "no big deal". I guess we are no big deal.. I guess her friends are no big deal and what we say/think/feel doesn't matter. I miss the old her, and I knew that whoever she was tonight was only going to be temporary. That as soon as she went back to her other friends she would change back into the "new" Alexa. A sorry goes out to her. I didn't mean to act like I did, it just really hurts to see you.. And I couldn't get the words out..
3 Kisses|Kiss Me Slowly

Don't leave me all alone down here.. [19 Nov 2004|05:04pm]
[ mood | worried ]

Sunday night went to the Dodgeball game at Grace Family Church. It was cool.. I saw a lot of people from school/church. I went with Zach and then met up with Chloe and Mandy later on. Tuesday night was the Fall Banquet. It was pretty fun.. Didn't get any awards. Next year I will though. ;] I had fun in Cross Country and met a lot of cool people so that's all that matters. We got progress reports too. I got a C- =/ 2 B's and the rest A's. I'm really disappointed in myself. =[ Wednesday I went to church. Oh my gosh. Zach was being the biggest jerk. Oh well. Talked to Mandy on the phone. Thursday I went to tutoring with Mr Richardson. Casey was there.. Boy was that awkward. I miss her so much.. Then I came home and ran two miles with my brother. It felt good to run. I took a shower and talked to Jim. We hadn't talked for awhile and I figured it was time to change that. Tonight I might go to fusion but I don't know if I can face seeing Alexa.. I'd cry.. So much. She doesn't realize how she's hurt all of us. I miss the old her..
4 Kisses|Kiss Me Slowly

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